Before becoming a mother, I had no idea what toxic positivity was. Now, I can’t help but to notice how prevalent it is while scrolling social media. Using my own personal experience, I hope to help you understand more about this trendy message, provide examples, and teach you how to avoid it as you cultivate a grateful heart in motherhood.
Toxic Positivity vs Optimism
I’m generally a positive person by nature. Optomisic you could say. I can often see “the bright side” of things and know that “this too shall pass.”
As I age, I am grateful for this trait.
I consider it a true gift and often a springboard to pursuing a happy and healthier life.
But being so positive poses risks. Mainly when facing a hardship or feeling overwhelmed.
Early into my journey to motherhood, I experienced just that and consequently, suffered the harmful effects.
Since Gratitude and Toxic Positivity can often get intermingled, it’s important to know the difference as your form the healthier habit of Gratitude.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Simply put, toxic positivity ignores the bad and responds with positivity. Medical News Today defines it as “an obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic.”
Unlike gratitude, toxic positivity is:
- unhealthy
- ignoring negative circumstances
- Inward focused (negates reliance on faith and hope)
- “Good vibes only”
This type of positivity can be the easier option in the day-to-day chaos; but in the long run, this mindset causes more harm and keeps you from growing and gaining a deeper perspective on life.
Toxic positivity and Miscarriage
After suffering my second pregnancy loss, I tried everything just to find peace again.
I became a master of “looking at the bright side” in efforts to get back to “normal.”
A normal that I so badly wanted, but also now recognize as a normal that others and our society so badly want.
(Btw, as a whole, we are very uncomfortable with being uncomfortable)
So, by flipping everything into a positive, I thought it would help me feel better and be healthier.
And I thought I was being grateful.
4 Examples of Toxic Positivity
Some common phrases that I would tell myself (or would hear from others):
“At least You could get pregnant”
I would repeat this over and over again. And yes, pregnancy in itself was a gift. But that didn’t change the loss. It didn’t change the fact that I feared it could happen again. Using “at least” insinuates there is a silver lining, silencing the raw circumstance.
And to note, even a healthy, full-term pregnancy may not mean someone is “over it” like this phrase would indicate.
“It could be way worse.”
This was my personal go-to. Each morning, I’d walk into work as nurse, put on a smile and constantly remind myself that my experience didn’t measure up to most of what other parents in the hospital were dealing with.
The problem here is this:
Just because it could’ve been different or “worse,” doesn’t mean it’s not the hardest thing someone is going through. “Worse” can vary from person to person based on perspective and experiences. We should not compare to others.
“Everything Happens for a reason”
I took this to heart as a way to try to explain or know “why” these losses happened. But that was me trying to control and rely on my own understanding.
This phrase cancels out what someone is experiencing and indicates that there is a “bright” side to everything.
Through this experience, I truly believe that it’s not so much of things happening for a reason but rather, through every season, including even difficult ones, we can find purpose.
“Just stay Positive.”
I drove myself crazy with this one after a book told me that mental mindset can have positive outcomes on future pregnancies. I agree with the connection between mind and body but it’s unrealistic to stay in that positive state all the time (hence why I’m writing this post).
This is one that we all like to respond with, it feels good to offer reassurance. But when we do, it invalidates feeling negative, as well as imposing a sense of guilt for feeling that way.
What are the harmful effects of toxic positivity?
So why do I tell you all this?
Strictly for awareness.
Words are powerful. They affect the way your mind and body work.
Toxic Positivity had two major impacts on me:
- Physically
- Spiritually
Physically
When you “stifle” negative circumstances they typically hide somewhere in your body. For me, it played out as an imbalance between my mind and gut.
Cue the GI symptoms.
I won a referral to a specialist reliving my painful story yet again and undergoing more tests.
And you know what that caused?
More stress!
Spiritually
I also became aware of how relying on only myself was problematic.
Toxic Positivity is selfish. It’s very inward focused and extinguishes the experience of growth.
By default, I was refusing God’s grace to enter in my life. A grace that could change my heart and mind and strengthen the path that He had planned for me.
It was not until I fully acknowledged my emotions (seeking support is okay, btw) and looked outward with gratitude, that my health and overall wellness improved.
Overwhelm and motherhood
Of course, you don’t have to experience a loss to go down this road. Motherhood can be overwhelming. We are bombarded by information and “expectations” on how every stage should look. And we all have our own battles in which toxic positivity can creep into:
- Post Partum Anxiety/Depression
- Terrible Sleeper/Sleep Regression
- Temper Tantrums
- Picky Eater
- Parenting during a Global Crisis
We want to stay positive because we know, as moms, how blessed we are in this profession. But that doesn’t change hard times.
And to mask the countless sleepless nights with “live laugh love” leads to burnout, more stress and less joy in the job.
That’s why when it comes to gratitude, positivity is important, but cannot be the only thing you rely on.
How do I avoid Toxic Positivity?
Through my experience with miscarriages, I’ve become much better at avoiding toxic positivity as I practice gratitude.
I urge you to avoid this toxic mindset by:
- Being aware and validating feelings
- Express Emotions — this is huge for us mamas as we model behavior for the kids.
- Direct your emotions into a productive way— journal, talk to a friend, or meditate/ pray different scriptures (these 10 are still my go-to)
- Connect with God— Bring your burdens to God. We don’t need to be perfect. We’re not supposed to be. And when we intentionally look outward, that is where we will find peace and purpose in the journey (Philippians 4:6-7 and Provers 3:5-6)
Overall, just pausing, listening and being present speaks volumes. This applies to how you treat others, as well as yourself. This makes space for more rather than just that quick, habitual positive response.
Finding the Balance
In the end, it’s really about balance.
I’m not suggesting you have to be a negative Nancy or spiral further into despair when acknowledging hardships. Positivity is a powerful tool, when directed correctly.
Like any exercise, start with small goals for facing emotions to help bring you out of a situation. And do this while being grateful.
And once you focus on the good, you likely will start to notice yourself appreciating the small things even more.
Push back against this toxic positivity mindset.
Cultivate a happier, healthier heart.
Pause. Listen. Be present.
Embrace your journey in motherhood.
And in life.
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